I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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