i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
