Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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