I'm going to jail i love you
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
