god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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