So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
