dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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