yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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