I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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