I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
