Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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