Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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