It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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