Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Randomize
