Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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