my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
