the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize