I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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