i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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