Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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