i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
