Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My liver just had a heart attack.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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