Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
