My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
