my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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