1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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