Where are you?
In a non slutty way
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
