maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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