My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
