ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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