Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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