cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
