Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize