he shaved USA in his pubs
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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