i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
