I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
