How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
