You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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