That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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