i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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