you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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