I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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