You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
