YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize