last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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