So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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