I heard we made out
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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