i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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