My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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