Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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