Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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