apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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