I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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