He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
