If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
