I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
