I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
