Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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